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We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

Despondency

by Christopher Rowin

supported by
themingowman
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themingowman Sometimes our truest and most philosophical thoughts about our lives are the saddest ones. Favorite track: Alogia.
cell44
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cell44 distinctly, profoundly human Favorite track: Anhedonia.
tirestires
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tirestires "It’s getting harder every day
To imagine myself"
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1.
Anergia 04:40
I’d like to be missed Be important enough to someone That my absence Is felt I guess, I don’t know It just feels bad being so invisible, replaceable Honestly I’d just rather be Forgotten entirely I’m tired of being around What value do I even bring I gotta go I gotta go I gotta go I gotta go I often fantasize About being lobotomized I don’t want to be me anymore I don’t want to think or feel anymore There’s no reason this should be happening To have this awful heat permeate inside me Every time I see the name of a city Every time I’m reminded of the people I wish I could be close to I wish I could feel I’m losing touch with the possibility I’m losing touch with what’s real There is no checking up There is no catching up I haven’t heard from you in so long It’s just so complicated It feels so bad being around people But loneliness seems worse It shouldn’t be this hard And I thought I’d come so far I just can’t understand
2.
Anhedonia 04:26
I chewed a large chunk out of my pinky Cause it felt weird It’s bleeding pretty bad I’m picking around in it with a pair of tweezers To see if I can find Anything inside I know it’s probably just in my head But I need it out of my head I can’t take it it’s weird it’s weird it’s weird it’s weird it’s weird it’s weird it’s weird I haven’t eaten in two days Food makes me sick But that’s fine, I’d like to lose weight Be a cute little stick I want to cut my legs in half And lose most of my body mass I’m simply too big too big too big too big too big too big too big too big If I spend any more time wishing I could be more feminine I’m gonna kill myself I’m 6’4 and my shoulders are 21 inches wide I wish I were bragging, like it sounds It makes me unimaginably distressed Seeing myself next to someone smaller makes my brain start to shut down I want to throw up
3.
Alogia 02:56
It shouldn’t make me feel sick to read your words And when you contradict it shouldn’t hurt Physically, like I’m being stabbed I tug at my hair and pick at my scabs Clenching my jaw and clutching my shirt Squeezing my eyes shut so hard I see blurs I don't think I’ll be Around anymore, sorry This was not supposed to happen again I thought I beat this demon Why do I have to be such a freak I’m choking on glass and grinding my teeth I was doing so well for so long But I’ve been sent spiraling by trying to find work Trying to get out of here like I need to There’s so much trauma and inadequacy clouding me I can’t do anything and my brains been destroyed I feared that exactly this would happen But I thought I was good enough to do it I overestimated, I overshot, and I’m being punished for it So now I’m drowning and I’m still stuck And I can’t talk to my friends And I can’t have fun And I can’t see an end
4.
Avolition 03:05
It’s getting harder every day To imagine myself With a boyfriend or a place Away from this hell The fact that I believed it could have ever been possible is pretty funny I’m bitter all the time now There’s a lot to be bitter about I’ve had so much taken from me Like most of my childhood and teens I’m walking a hollow shell There’s so much I haven't felt The weight of arms, the taste of lips I don’t like thinking about it I just can’t function like A person should It takes such a toll It’s so unfair
5.
Asociality 08:32
I’m so tired of the people around me Having people around me But I need a person around me Threading a needle through the sun I don’t want to hear anything from any of you ever again I’m so exhausted I just wanna die I need one more reason

about

This is a short little EP used entirely as a vehicle for me to express the current darkness I find myself living with. It’s not very good, and is hardly poetry. Full of sloppy performances and bad recording as a result of me having little energy and not caring that much, but it’s much more a therapeutic exercise than art. I don’t expect anyone to actually gain enjoyment from it. I initially wrote these songs with the intention of keeping them among the very many things I create and just keep to myself, but that has lead to no relief. Maybe releasing them will. I gotta try anything at this point.

Alogia is the most important song on here and the only one I actively like very much I think, so if you're curious and wanna get the gist just listen to that.

There's a pretty high chance I just delete this at some point, so if you want to hold it against me at some point down the line keep that mind.

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Explanation of name:

Going forward my name Farboro will be retired as something I release music under. It will still sort of be my umbrella title I guess, but I will start putting out more folky, acoustic, “rustic” music under the name Christopher Rowin, and everything else, rock, experimental, electronic, etc., as PDF Ghost. These projects are one and the same, just a cosmetic difference. (PDF Ghost is a somewhat tentative title though, it’s something I’ve had and liked as an idea for a very long time, but lately am starting to feel a bit less hot on it.)

There’s two main reasons for this. One being that the further I get from making the sort of “wacky” experimental music I was making when I first started using the name Farboro, a reference to the cartoon Problem Solverz, the less appropriate it feels. And the three records I put out in October 2020 are such an inseparable unit to me I kind of want to leave them as they are, set in moniker amber. Two being I’ve wanted to use the name PDF Ghost for a long time but it never felt appropriate to have folk music under the tag, so I settled for something more broad. But recently I came up with the name Christopher Rowin, a swapping of my two names around with my first being spelled phonetically as to have it be one letter off from Christopher Robin, and it is unbelievably perfect to me for use with folk music, so Problem Solved (get it?).

If you’re thinking this is stupid, overly complicated, and will only work to shroud the very limited reach and exposure I have, you couldn’t possibly be more wrong. Honestly it’s so foolish a thought I won’t even explain why it’s incorrect.

credits

released June 30, 2022

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Farboro Roswell, Georgia

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